Do you and your partner have a sex starved marriage? Significantly different levels of desire for sex? There is nothing to be embarrassed about, if that is so, you are not alone. Studies indicate that 4 in every 10 couples has a sexual libido gap. It is worth noting that this gap is filled but building the bridge of trust, communication and acceptance both of yourself and your partner. For many women body image acceptance plays a major role . Although solutions to this sexual divide abound in magazines, self-help books and other pop psychology outlets, there is a little talked about fact underlying the problems associated with this sexual void.
Sex can be a pleasurable and a fulfilling aspect of every relationship; however, it can be the greatest source of disappointment, discouragement, and despair resulting in much frustration if the cry of a partner remains unheeded. It has a way of breeding resentment, rejection, and rebellion which often opens the door to infidelity. Like in John’s case “I have been married for the last three years and seldom had fulfilling sex. We had not had any contact for the last 8 months. I expected to enjoy some mind blowing sex after marriage. I have made every attempt to work on it but my partner thinks am too much. She seems to have some inhibitions that she does not talk about she often responds “what’s the big deal? It’s just sex.” our relationship is falling apart, I am now thinking of finding a lover, please help!”
Finding good sex balance between partners despite differing desires and experiences can be a challenge and many couples are faced with this challenge. It helps to candidly address their needs, acknowledge the problem and purpose to work through it together. Living in denial and not facing up to the real issues will ultimately rock the foundation of the marriage. I must admit that John is not alone and there are many couples today struggling in secret and wasting away behind closed doors. Generally, this happens when one spouse desperately longs for more romance, better foreplay, craves for a more intimate touch, more sex, more physical closeness and the other partner is too preoccupied, disinterested, ignoring or trivializing the partners pleas. It need not be this way and yes you can make it different and enjoy the union. It is worth noting that a sex starved marriage may be as a result of differing libidos’ due to the following reasons;
- A low self esteem, anger, guilt disappointment, hurt and resentment as a result of unresolved conflicts,
- Hormone fluctuations, physical and emotional health challenges, Aging
- Prescribed medications such as antidepressants and birth control pills
- Alcohol and drug abuse
- Grief due to a loss of a loved one, a job or finances
- Infidelity, sexual dysfunctions, to mention but a few
I have met many people that suffer from Guilt which in turn greatly impacts on their sex desires. When we embrace sex freely without inhibitions, unrealistic expectations, fear or guilt, it is fun, exciting and enjoyable. It is always a great opportunity to express your sexuality, love and affirmation with one another. This God given gift can only be fulfilling within perimeters of safety and freedom .It is the ultimate celebration of marriage, apart from the physical, it also bring along other dimensions of emotional and spiritual oneness.
Guilt and low self esteem can result to a sex starved marriage. One needs to go beyond their feelings of fear, shame and, inadequacy. “I am not good enough”, a poor self image and thoughts of guilt and shame that have been afflicted in the past will adversely affect your sexual relationship. When someone has an aspect of themselves that they are not comfortable with, they tend to be overly critical of themselves and become self conscience. The fear of rejection results to fear of intimacy and they remain unaware of the fact that their partner loves them beyond their perceived flaws if only they could open up and share.
Generally we pick up sexual guilt along our life’s journey. This can come from an overtly religious upbringing where sex was condemned and viewed as dirty and bad. It can also originate from comments made to you as you grew up, that left certain images in your mind., such situations that we make take on extreme levels of shame and then bury these deep in our subconscious mind. This guilt is then triggered when we come physically close to a partner. This guilt shows up in vengeance, damaging relationships and robbing one of their basic rights, to enjoy the sexual union.
Express your feelings one to another and as feelings are made visible in a relationship, owning our feelings, rather than projecting them onto our partners, we can move emotionally closer. As this happens, the fear and guilt in the relationship and around sex will dissipate. Love is what transforms sex from simple physical gratification to an amazing experience of joining with another human being. Sex is important, allow yourself to be vulnerable, purpose to fulfill one another and thrive!
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